tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73260854117671089632024-03-05T13:01:55.580-08:00always get by on your own.faith.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06290278666438954559noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7326085411767108963.post-49316990605460928952012-12-06T11:48:00.000-08:002012-12-06T11:48:07.538-08:00it's a happy post :)let's start this post with a sigh because my feelings are confusing me.<br />
<br />
i don't know why i complained about life a lot.<br />
why again?<br />
<br />
since when does staying happy became so hard?<br />
<br />
i have so many things in mind. so this is gonna be everywhere.<br />
<br />
just done with Economy today. that means i'm officially off high school.<br />
i've been waiting for this moment since the day i first stepped into a new high school.<br />
i hated everything, remember?<br />
everything was so different, i wanted things to be the same like it used to be.<br />
i wanted my friends, my teachers & everything else.<br />
but i knew it's never gonna happen so i hated life.<br />
<br />
new chapter; 2011.<br />
i still love staying at home. i still like to be alone. although, lesser.<br />
but each day, i love everything more and more.<br />
and to be honest, i think my life is a lot better than it used to be.<br />
there were still times when my depression got worse.<br />
there were still times when i argue with my family.<br />
there were times when i wish things were like it used to be.<br />
but no, the sane and healthy Faith wouldn't wanna go back to how things were.<br />
<br />
all it takes were some friends. some amazing and wonderful friends.<br />
back then, i didn't have anyone.<br />
i didn't know how exhausted i was.<br />
i had to be stronger than everyone else.<br />
i had to be tougher than everyone else.<br />
it's all about being the best, the strongest, a fighter.<br />
but at the end of the day, i had no one.<br />
do you know how shitty that was?<br />
i can't trust anyone, i can't depend on anyone.<br />
i can't love anyone, i can't tell anyone.<br />
i had to fight for myself, i had to fight for everything.<br />
i had to be mean, i had to be bigger.<br />
because if i don't, someone will do it to me.<br />
it's a secret war, every single day.<br />
<br />
when i first came in here, i was lost. oh so lost.<br />
i started questioning my existence, everything.<br />
then self harming took place because everything was my fault and i deserved that.<br />
i didn't know that i can talk to someone.<br />
i didn't know that people will care.<br />
i didn't know that some people can feel my pain.<br />
and i most certainly didn't know that some people will be there for me.<br />
please forgive me if i ever disappoint you.<br />
i just never felt so loved before.<br />
when someone told me they do and they care,<br />
it used to tell me that they will back stabbed you someday, so don't buy it.<br />
it took me some time to actually know these people aren't like that.<br />
it took me some time to realized that they're not like the people i grew up with.<br />
i slowly, slowly start healing.<br />
<br />
but everything changed.<br />
i got weaker.<br />
low self esteem. extremely low.<br />
the feelings i've been bottling up ever since i was little finally takes it toll.<br />
i got this really ugly thing called depression.<br />
it hit me every now and then.<br />
yes, that's how staying happy got harder.<br />
and no, it didn't just happened because of some things bugging me,<br />
it just happened. even when there's nothing to be depressed about.<br />
but i wanna get better everyday because of the people around me.<br />
"if i can't stay strong for myself, i will stay strong for the people who care for me."<br />
i told myself that everyday whenever i feel like giving up.<br />
it's been months and i stop cutting myself already.<br />
i still have the urge and almost gave up so many times.<br />
but i will not.<br />
<br />
so, i wanna live a happy life.<br />
i'm sad that i'm not gonna be seeing my friends everyday anymore.<br />
we will hangout and talk again but it won't be the same.<br />
i hate studying and homeworks but my friends made my school days awesome.<br />
i know some days i'm gonna look back, probably in tears missing the good ol' days but this is inevitable.<br />
every good things must come to an end and this saying breaks my heart.<br />
why must good things end, right?<br />
but in the same time, i am looking forward to every other good things that are about to come.<br />
i have so many more years to come.<br />
isn't it funny? i started this blog two years ago, it's two years already?<br />
it feels like yesterday i was fifteen.<br />
when Julia said i should hide my age on youtube because i was only fourteen,<br />
i insisted i was fifteen :)<br />
in 22 more days i will be seventeen.<br />
i remember going to my old youtube channel and all my friends there were gone.<br />
i felt so sad. it feels like i'm always stucked in the past.<br />
but that's what happened when you get too attached.<br />
it's time when it is time.<br />
you gotta let go.<br />
when you let go, only can you free yourself from that heavy feelings on your chest.<br />
when you let go, only then can you smile.<br />
this is me, letting go.<br />
it's gonna get better, i promised myself.<br />
some days, my days writing on this blog, will be over too.<br />
some days, my days on facebook, twitter and everything else will be over too.<br />
i don't watch BONES anymore. it used to be the reason why i'm breathing.<br />
but i can't cope with the sadness because my life was already too sad at that time.<br />
but im still breathing :)<br />
im just gonna do what i wanna do to make me happy.<br />
things changes, it's okay.<br />
breathe in.. slowly letting it go.faith.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06290278666438954559noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7326085411767108963.post-28006450084716794652011-05-27T09:50:00.000-07:002011-05-27T09:58:19.138-07:00♥ crazy beautiful life ♥<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">when i say you never know what life will throw at you,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">i mean it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">when i tell you to smile and don't try so hard,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">i have my reasons.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">when i tell you to live in the present,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">just do it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">thank God for everything.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">every cloud has a silver lining,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">just look on the bright side,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">it'll help you to feel better.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">i remember how i always complain about everything,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">because everything just felt not right.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">but the fact is, it's the matter of time and myself to accept new things.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">there's no need to rush, we ain't going anywhere and complaining won't help,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">just give yourself some time and you'll be okay.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">okay so i just came back from <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/Dawnsmilesya">Dawn</a>'s birthday party. her birthday was on May 7th but it was exam so it was postpone to May 27th. its 12:20 am now (May 28th) and the party was rockin' awesome! ;D <i>"we never quit, we never rest on the floor" </i> just like the song 'On The Floor' by Jennifer Lopez ft Pitbull, we went so high on the floor, keep on dancing & screaming our lungs out! now that song has just officially become our anthem! ;D <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">♥</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">it was all started last Wednesday (May 25th) just when exam finished. after school we went to MidValley for karaoke to release our stress because of the depressing exams :/ and our day turned out to be FANTASTIC. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, 3 days in a row we're so high! this morning during Hari Guru celebration (Teacher's Day celebration) they turned some songs on & we just went so high.. we even sing Friday by Rebecca Black, the song for the worst song ever award! and then continue at Dawn's mom's wine shop. these three days are just so much fun! now i feel bad because i know im gonna miss <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/QinGlambert">Qin</a>, <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/larieDoodlez">Larissa</a> and specially <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/ezraelxa">Ezra</a>. Allyson, Hwu Ning and Carmen and many more during this two weeks holiday.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">but before this, all i know was to <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;">complain & compare</span>.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">it's <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: cyan;">not the right thing to do</span>.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">i refuse to enjoy anything because i kept telling myself that <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">i don't belong here</span>.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">well maybe i don't but this is my home now.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">i gotta <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;">live like i belong here</span> and <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f6b26b;">live my life to the fullest</span>.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">and so i say, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;">life's crazy</span>, you don't know what will it throw at you to make you stop. so <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: lime;">why are you sad</span> and all when you can actually <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #6fa8dc;">smile and feel good</span> ? appreciate this life you have. you only live once.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><br /></span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHk8q76CThsh6zyzEnXIlrFA1WaTbFMUO3mwJIv9ZSUhyphenhyphenB7564jYBXbX8gkgs52MHBseC4iZd4QZRaV3hVuHNIqdqfJe-tRS0m1ed4RQaSF0OSz76DjlXYfD9Os1Ad6zFMKkPxJEEyVxA/s1600/250690_10150196721684421_665724420_6778591_6855086_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHk8q76CThsh6zyzEnXIlrFA1WaTbFMUO3mwJIv9ZSUhyphenhyphenB7564jYBXbX8gkgs52MHBseC4iZd4QZRaV3hVuHNIqdqfJe-tRS0m1ed4RQaSF0OSz76DjlXYfD9Os1Ad6zFMKkPxJEEyVxA/s320/250690_10150196721684421_665724420_6778591_6855086_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">*for fuck's sake.. i hate this song!! let me outta here!!*</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;">here are some pictures of us at karaoke last Wednesday..</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKpIzOG3Z0i_QHbxWmejv1IERqzjUP_SV5KzNTWlxs87XYjtJA-RXz5wMqSn9z6Bml-_FA5M0K5MABPM7r7NGL6I0A3w_FiGKWOQNAvZ3UZlnmYhZznYimcgJlBwzSojBFpACxEmAcpAg/s1600/250690_10150196721694421_665724420_6778593_4238458_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKpIzOG3Z0i_QHbxWmejv1IERqzjUP_SV5KzNTWlxs87XYjtJA-RXz5wMqSn9z6Bml-_FA5M0K5MABPM7r7NGL6I0A3w_FiGKWOQNAvZ3UZlnmYhZznYimcgJlBwzSojBFpACxEmAcpAg/s320/250690_10150196721694421_665724420_6778593_4238458_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">meet 'em people! credit for editing go to Larissa :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgztED7K4AlvUWwyTHujP4GvywXfo-SOg8ixhez57W4fcx1lS4o7rdsXP8koJhFaXLE4PZvOCu0psSZPiSUdrGRk6zOmKW_KyLMk-shcLgi0qKRjf_47EuWxWMVgDbKnYXbdqzkzJtWJA/s1600/250690_10150196721699421_665724420_6778594_875268_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgztED7K4AlvUWwyTHujP4GvywXfo-SOg8ixhez57W4fcx1lS4o7rdsXP8koJhFaXLE4PZvOCu0psSZPiSUdrGRk6zOmKW_KyLMk-shcLgi0qKRjf_47EuWxWMVgDbKnYXbdqzkzJtWJA/s320/250690_10150196721699421_665724420_6778594_875268_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">us :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQDB61uTBnb0fOSixmJsV8Apf32mK693RAPLn3zjGIFBxXeg1zjIXwNp7ePrQhxMAcZX5rL3RcYSqUBYJw4o_VeIw1jt80a_d_qoxMfW_rJx5SRVowuknFCirtvAE8jPpydKyxn3R55oY/s1600/250690_10150196721689421_665724420_6778592_428301_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQDB61uTBnb0fOSixmJsV8Apf32mK693RAPLn3zjGIFBxXeg1zjIXwNp7ePrQhxMAcZX5rL3RcYSqUBYJw4o_VeIw1jt80a_d_qoxMfW_rJx5SRVowuknFCirtvAE8jPpydKyxn3R55oY/s320/250690_10150196721689421_665724420_6778592_428301_n.jpg" width="242" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">hello! oh this is taken by me :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf0nRaC5ukigJBIQ9-pXV9I5MMWPMqcbjX8nvnkqMjTIjEx6nwxU5Im_FrDP09TlVcyOPnC17WHOGT03HaIcOSnL63OgHECj9Hr0SQj031VzJZXlPSkFIaKklRtIAl7etGDgRrLOdPBMA/s1600/250744_10150196837699421_665724420_6779564_5234132_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf0nRaC5ukigJBIQ9-pXV9I5MMWPMqcbjX8nvnkqMjTIjEx6nwxU5Im_FrDP09TlVcyOPnC17WHOGT03HaIcOSnL63OgHECj9Hr0SQj031VzJZXlPSkFIaKklRtIAl7etGDgRrLOdPBMA/s320/250744_10150196837699421_665724420_6779564_5234132_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ezra .. being Ezra xD</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><br /></span>faith.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06290278666438954559noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7326085411767108963.post-1671963559193292682011-05-04T05:11:00.000-07:002011-05-04T05:40:58.241-07:00if she could, she would.as she wait for her mom to pick her up,<br />
she was worried because it was late.<br />
her mom was late for an hour.<br />
<br />
this morning she saw her mom doing her work facing the laptop until 6am.<br />
she started to think.<br />
"mom must fell asleep. she must be very tired."<br />
so she decided to walk home.<br />
while on the way home, many thoughts came to her mind.<br />
<br />
"what if im not exist. mom wouldn't have to do two jobs like she's doing now.<br />
am i a burden ? why am i feeling like im a burden ? is this all my fault ?<br />
why am i feeling like this is all my fault ? do i belong here ?<br />
why do i feel like i don't ?"<br />
<br />
yeah that happens all the time whenever she's alone.<br />
she shouldn't be alone or else she will end up crying to sleep.<br />
i don't know why. she told herself that she have everything she need.<br />
but she still feel there's so much more.<br />
is she lying to herself trying to make things better, i don't know.<br />
<br />
when her mom and dad split up,<br />
someone told her that it wasn't her fault.<br />
her mom told her the truth and she said it was okay.<br />
she was four. do you think its okay ?<br />
<br />
so i whisper to her ear,<br />
this is not your fault. this really is not your fault.<br />
it's their choices. i know,<br />
if you could make things better, you would.<br />
you never want your dad to do that.<br />
you never want your mom to leave.<br />
i saw you kneel down every night and pray.<br />
i know you keep on wishing that things will get better.<br />
i promise you, you will make things better.<br />
maybe not now, one day you will..faith.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06290278666438954559noreply@blogger.com0