Thursday, December 6, 2012

it's a happy post :)

let's start this post with a sigh because my feelings are confusing me.

i don't know why i complained about life a lot.
why again?

since when does staying happy became so hard?

i have so many things in mind. so this is gonna be everywhere.

just done with Economy today. that means i'm officially off high school.
i've been waiting for this moment since the day i first stepped into a new high school.
i hated everything, remember?
everything was so different, i wanted things to be the same like it used to be.
i wanted my friends, my teachers & everything else.
but i knew it's never gonna happen so i hated life.

new chapter; 2011.
i still love staying at home. i still like to be alone. although, lesser.
but each day, i love everything more and more.
and to be honest, i think my life is a lot better than it used to be.
there were still times when my depression got worse.
there were still times when i argue with my family.
there were times when i wish things were like it used to be.
but no, the sane and healthy Faith wouldn't wanna go back to how things were.

all it takes were some friends. some amazing and wonderful friends.
back then, i didn't have anyone.
i didn't know how exhausted i was.
i had to be stronger than everyone else.
i had to be tougher than everyone else.
it's all about being the best, the strongest, a fighter.
but at the end of the day, i had no one.
do you know how shitty that was?
i can't trust anyone, i can't depend on anyone.
i can't love anyone, i can't tell anyone.
i had to fight for myself, i had to fight for everything.
i had to be mean, i had to be bigger.
because if i don't, someone will do it to me.
it's a secret war, every single day.

when i first came in here, i was lost. oh so lost.
i started questioning my existence, everything.
then self harming took place because everything was my fault and i deserved that.
i didn't know that i can talk to someone.
i didn't know that people will care.
i didn't know that some people can feel my pain.
and i most certainly didn't know that some people will be there for me.
please forgive me if i ever disappoint you.
i just never felt so loved before.
when someone told me they do and they care,
it used to tell me that they will back stabbed you someday, so don't buy it.
it took me some time to actually know these people aren't like that.
it took me some time to realized that they're not like the people i grew up with.
i slowly, slowly start healing.

but everything changed.
i got weaker.
low self esteem. extremely low.
the feelings i've been bottling up ever since i was little finally takes it toll.
i got this really ugly thing called depression.
it hit me every now and then.
yes, that's how staying happy got harder.
and no, it didn't just happened because of some things bugging me,
it just happened. even when there's nothing to be depressed about.
but i wanna get better everyday because of the people around me.
"if i can't stay strong for myself, i will stay strong for the people who care for me."
i told myself that everyday whenever i feel like giving up.
it's been months and i stop cutting myself already.
i still have the urge and almost gave up so many times.
but i will not.

so, i wanna live a happy life.
i'm sad that i'm not gonna be seeing my friends everyday anymore.
we will hangout and talk again but it won't be the same.
i hate studying and homeworks but my friends made my school days awesome.
i know some days i'm gonna look back, probably in tears missing the good ol' days but this is inevitable.
every good things must come to an end and this saying breaks my heart.
why must good things end, right?
but in the same time, i am looking forward to every other good things that are about to come.
i have so many more years to come.
isn't it funny? i started this blog two years ago, it's two years already?
it feels like yesterday i was fifteen.
when Julia said i should hide my age on youtube because i was only fourteen,
i insisted i was fifteen :)
in 22 more days i will be seventeen.
i remember going to my old youtube channel and all my friends there were gone.
i felt so sad. it feels like i'm always stucked in the past.
but that's what happened when you get too attached.
it's time when it is time.
you gotta let go.
when you let go, only can you free yourself from that heavy feelings on your chest.
when you let go, only then can you smile.
this is me, letting go.
it's gonna get better, i promised myself.
some days, my days writing on this blog, will be over too.
some days, my days on facebook, twitter and everything else will be over too.
i don't watch BONES anymore. it used to be the reason why i'm breathing.
but i can't cope with the sadness because my life was already too sad at that time.
but im still breathing :)
im just gonna do what i wanna do to make me happy.
things changes, it's okay.
breathe in.. slowly letting it go.